We are in this together

Tonight I am watching my sweetheart baby girl in the shower as she splashes around and has the time of her life. 

I also sit here on our beautiful bathroom floor in a stunning dream home that we built from scratch (with the help and muscle of my beautiful parents) feeling like I'm missing out. Missing out on being freaking exhausted, missing out on being bloated beyond comprehension, missing out on that feeling of not being able to breathe in fully, missing out on being kicked, pushed and prodded from the inside out. 

I am missing out on a baby that never actually come to being. Again. 

It was really tough when it happened, completely unexpected and utterly heart breaking. We were in London (I know, right! How freaking cool is London, pregnant in LONDON!!!) and I started to miscarry, and EVERYTHING changed in those moments. In a hospital over looking Westminster Bridge, Houses of Parliament and the London Eye... How much more iconic could this place get??

And I'm miscarrying Lola's baby brother or sister. I'm breaking Nan's heart, mum's heart, Tracie's heart - I'm making Corey go through being the tough one, again.

How do I look at Lola and explain to her that mummy is unbelievably inconsolable cause her stupid body didn't want to love and nurture a gorgeous little human again... What the heck (original word there wasn't as polite) is wrong with it! 

Being Lola's Mum is awesome, even on the hardest days and an opportunity like Lola & May could not have been pursued if I was sitting here right now almost 38 weeks pregnant but those things will never, ever make me feel any ease over losing a baby.

We would have been due around the first week of July. Now July will be a family holiday to Sydney. Not quite as exciting as welcoming a tiny new family member, but it'll be amazing to spend some family time away with the loves of my life. 

Please remember that miscarriage is very common - doesn't make it any easier to go through, I know, but it does mean that someone you love and who loves you may have had some experience and they are great supports if you need someone.

Please reach out and talk about what you have gone through because you never know how it might help - you and them. And please be very mindful when making conversation that someone may actually be trying, just lost or worse so if they shy away from a throwaway comment, just leave it at that.  #miscarrage #loveandsupport #weareinthistogether #biggestloss

Lola & May