Keep getting (mis)carried away

WE KEEP GETTING (MIS)CARRIED AWAY

I figured with today being R U OK Day it’s as good a time as any to share with you all..

I found out at the start of August that we were pregnant again - this was our fourth pregnancy with only one success, Lola! It was all exciting but we were cautious knowing that not all pregnancies end in a gorgeous little cheeky soul like Lola.

 This was me three days before we met Lola. I love this photo so much, mostly because it reminds me of how amazing my body was to stretch that way and also kind of because I’m not sure it will ever happen again… So it’s nice to think of how magical it felt - I was so lucky!

This was me three days before we met Lola. I love this photo so much, mostly because it reminds me of how amazing my body was to stretch that way and also kind of because I’m not sure it will ever happen again… So it’s nice to think of how magical it felt - I was so lucky!

We managed to make it two weeks before I realised that it wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. The heart breaks the same no matter how prepared you are for loss. The difference I felt this time was feeling like Lola needs, deserves or wants a sibling that I can’t (at the moment) give her. She obviously doesn’t understand what’s going on but we explained very lightly that ‘mummy is sad because she had a baby in her belly but it’s not there anymore” and she was so beautifully gorgeous when she asked if the next baby could be put in her tummy? I love how a three year old can turn tears in to laughter and warmth in a moment.

This miscarriage was a strange one as there was nothing there inside the sac at the early ultrasound and the ultrasound one week later to confirm a non viable pregnancy had something inside the sac. You go through so many bloody emotions waiting to find out what the heck is going on and the roller coaster of is it, isn’t it?? is exhausting.

It ended with a D&C and a few days resting on the couch feeling like a empty (bloated) vessel and wondering, again WHY? What am I doing? Is it worth it? Looking at the life I have and not knowing if I am making the right decisions? Or, I am just being really selfish wanting to have “it all”??

I know from previous experience that I struggle with mental health after miscarrying because I think about a whole heap of ‘what if’s’ that do not actually have answers and I don’t share enough and when I do I feel like the person I am sharing with now has to carry part of my burden.. I am so scared of being a person that makes people upset that I just choose not to share but I have to for my own sanity and more importantly so the people around me know that if they ever go though anything like this, they are safe and welcome to talk to me cause I have HEAPS of experience.

So, today ask if the people around you “Are you okay?” and then tomorrow too - cause the answer can be different each day..

 

Sarah Kirby